Thing's We've Learnt This Year..

Snow is Evil!
"Awww isn't that lovely?" rings out throughout the land, and in theory they are correct, but in practice, as a country we simply cannot deal with those tiny 6 sided flakes of frozen water. We tend to loose all sense of balance, driving ability and go generally a bit strange. This causes car crashes, falls and lot's of completely over the top news reports about an inch of frosty white goodness.

2 isn't Always Better Than 1.
Simply, David Cameron and Nick Clegg fail.

We are Rubbish at Football.
Remember the World Cup? In the 2009-2010 Barclay's Premiership under 40% of the players were English, we are simply rubbish at sports we have invented. This extends to; Tennis (The highest ranked English men's player at the end of this year was James Ward, ranked 201st. The highest ranked female is Elena Baltacha ranked 55th, whose parents are both Ukrainian). Badminton (Highest ranked male: Rajiv Ouseph who is 14th. Highest ranked female: Elisabeth Cann who is ranked 32nd).


There are of course lots of other things, but I was far too busy enjoying myself to remember any of those.


Merry Christmas to all!

50 Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch X Factor..

Hello fair maidens and very gentle men. Today, simply, is a list of things I would rather do than watch X Factor, seems as status' on pretty much every social networking website are dominated by it whilst it is being broadcast. so here goes:

1. Shooting myself in the kneecaps.
2. Shooting myself in the face.
3. Shooting all my family members in the face.
4. Shooting all my friends in the face.
5. Shooting my girlfriend in the face.
6. Removing a limb using a blunt knife.
7. Cooking and eating said removed limb.
8. Letting myself be violated by a leading gay porn star.
9. Never wearing any form of clothing ever again.
10. Doing an anti-muslim comedy tour of Asia with extra dates in Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq and Yemen.
11. Becoming a eunuch.
12. Becoming blind.
13. Becoming deaf.
14. Becoming paralysed.
15. Becoming a mute.
16. Becoming an orphan.
17. Having a leg amputated the having a wooden peg leg.
18. Losing all of my possessions.
19. Losing all of my hair.
20. Having to become a male prostitute.
21. Having my girlfriend cheat on me.
22. Dying.
23. Getting lost in space.
24. Being in a plane crash.
25. Committing suicide.
26. Having my skin taken off.
27. Being forced to travel the world on a horse, saddleless.
28. Having to listen to a cat drowning for the rest of my life.
29. Being punched really hard in the gentleman cucumber.
30. Having to live with Piers Morgan.
31. Having to live with Kerry Katona.
32. Being Kerry Katona.
33. Being Kerry Katona's child.
34. Being Kerry Katona's mother.
35. Having sex with Kerry Katona.
36. Having to look at a Picture of Kerry Katona.
37. Living in a landfill site.
38. Sanding off my own fingers/toes.
39. Becoming the world's fattest man.
40. Having sex with the world's fattest man.
41. Becoming the world's fattest transexual.
42. Having sex with the world's fattest transexual.
43. Becoming the world's fattest woman.
44. Having sex with the world's fattest woman.
45. Living underground.
46. Being Joseph Fritzel's daughter.
47. Having to live a day in the life of everybody who watches the X Factor.
48. Licking a snail.
49. Watching paint dry.
50. Walking like an Egyptian for the rest of my life.